So, as Love Week started yesterday, I was almost surprised at how overwhelmingly positive my mood has been. Even though the passing of these men took place 6 and 8 years ago, it has been a very long road to recovery and healing the heartbreak and trauma I experienced. Inevitably, every year I was either struck by the painful reminders of the deaths, or because I was struggling in the present with various aspects of my life, the dates only served to remind me of the loss I had experienced and what life was like before. But I've realized in the last couple days, that I actually feel more at ease with the pain of these losses. Do not mistake me, for I will never forget them, and they changed my life in ways I will probably never fully know, but they aren't still affecting my life in the same painful way they used to; I'm actually feeling like I have survived this storm and I feel remarkably, uniquely, happy.
Time has a way of playing funny tricks on our lives. Sometimes a year can pass and it will seem like it was just yesterday, or something that is only a week a way feels like an eternity; the thing about time though, is that it is all really just based on our personal perceptions. I woke up today, smiling, happy, and even giggling a bit, and it is because of some of the wonderful people I have in my life now, but not every morning is like that... just over a month ago, I struggled in the mornings because my reality would hit me every time I woke up, which is not an entirely unfamiliar feeling to me either; six and eight years ago, I experienced similar (though far more intense) feelings of heartbreak and loss, every morning, every night, and most of the day in between.
"How long you're down depends on how you rise, life has a meaning, so open your eyes." - Freedom (part 2) by The Beautiful Girls ft. Mason Jennings
These quotes have been particularly inspiring to me lately... It's been a while since I've written or shared anything, retreating into a virtual silence while I've delved into the depths and darkness of my own reality. Forced into facing some of my deepest fears, such as heartbreak, confusion, and basic needs of survival, in one afternoon, all my plans went into flames, like the fire implied before the Phoenix could rise from the ashes. Through the difficult times, I've been continuously learning and growing, boosted by the love, support, and inspiration of some of the wonderful healers around me, while simultaneously receiving words of encouragement from those who have expressed the ways in which I've helped them both knowingly and unknowingly. Ultimately, when people ask why I have my website, and why I write, the biggest reason is that I hope somewhere, somehow, I've been able to inspire and encourage someone else out there, whether it's through sharing my struggles, bringing laughter to someone's day, or reminding someone that they are not alone, and there is a way. Now as the dust settles like ashes from the fire, I find myself regaining my strength, recommitting to my path, tuning into my light, and getting ready to share more of my stories and writing. With each day, I'm more excited for the possibilities that my future holds And soon, I will rise, like a Phoenix from the ashes...