So, as Love Week started yesterday, I was almost surprised at how overwhelmingly positive my mood has been. Even though the passing of these men took place 6 and 8 years ago, it has been a very long road to recovery and healing the heartbreak and trauma I experienced. Inevitably, every year I was either struck by the painful reminders of the deaths, or because I was struggling in the present with various aspects of my life, the dates only served to remind me of the loss I had experienced and what life was like before. But I've realized in the last couple days, that I actually feel more at ease with the pain of these losses. Do not mistake me, for I will never forget them, and they changed my life in ways I will probably never fully know, but they aren't still affecting my life in the same painful way they used to; I'm actually feeling like I have survived this storm and I feel remarkably, uniquely, happy.
Time has a way of playing funny tricks on our lives. Sometimes a year can pass and it will seem like it was just yesterday, or something that is only a week a way feels like an eternity; the thing about time though, is that it is all really just based on our personal perceptions. I woke up today, smiling, happy, and even giggling a bit, and it is because of some of the wonderful people I have in my life now, but not every morning is like that... just over a month ago, I struggled in the mornings because my reality would hit me every time I woke up, which is not an entirely unfamiliar feeling to me either; six and eight years ago, I experienced similar (though far more intense) feelings of heartbreak and loss, every morning, every night, and most of the day in between.
Hanging out around Tahoe for the week, I've officially returned from the summer expedition I had planned and set out for months ago. As my trip began to draw to a close, I began reflecting on all that has happened over the summer, the events that led me to where I am now, the transformations that have taken place, and the people who have blessed me with their presence in my life. I began reaching out to some of the key players to share my gratitude for their involvement, and as our connections continue to develop, I cannot express how grateful I am for everyone who has been so influential to me.
I've been spending the last couple weeks wandering around areas of the Pacific Northwest, and have been finding myself continuously exclaiming "WoW!" Sometimes it happens so many times in one day, that I can't help but to laugh at myself when I catch my awareness of how often I'm proclaiming it; yet, I will turn a corner and immediately find myself affirming the same three letters that can barely capture the entirety of how awestruck I am at something I am experiencing visually, emotionally, or spiritually. Traveling helps revitalize your senses, keeping them in an almost constant state of encountering new sights, tastes, sounds, smells, textures, and feelings.
I haven't always been a huge fan of the Fourth of July, it's been a hit-or-miss kind of holiday in the past, but this year, I am bouncy with excitement. One of the joys of being in the northern, moister areas is that fireworks are legal (or at least, less regulated), so you can be sure that I will be having some fiery, sparkly fun. Lights and colors exploding against the backdrop of a dark sky is one of those experiences that never ceases to excite me; admittedly, I get about as giddy and happy as a little kid, every time. I'm sure that this year's celebrations and pyrotechnic displays promise to behold another phenomenal adventure.
So celebrating the 4th of not, I'm wishing all of you the happiest of holidays (or just any day for that matter); may your soul be lighthearted, your jubilees jovial, your revelries magical, and your fireworks filled with delight.
After unexpectedly extending my stay in Eugene, OR because I was loving the town and experiences I was having, I finally managed to pull myself away and start driving north to Olympia, WA. As my time to leave approached and my next adventure began, I happened upon several different quotes and new connections, all in the same day, and all with something similar to say...
First, I was browsing through some books at the place I had been, and saw Tom Robbins' book "Villa Incognito." I am a huge fan of Tom Robbins and have previously read this book so I decided to flip to two random pages, and this is what I found --
"Just because you're naked
Doesn't mean you're sexy.
Just because you're cynical
Doesn't mean you're cool.
You may tell the greatest lies
And wear a brilliant disguise
But you can't escape the eyes
Of the one who sees right through you.
In the end what will prevail