So, as Love Week started yesterday, I was almost surprised at how overwhelmingly positive my mood has been. Even though the passing of these men took place 6 and 8 years ago, it has been a very long road to recovery and healing the heartbreak and trauma I experienced. Inevitably, every year I was either struck by the painful reminders of the deaths, or because I was struggling in the present with various aspects of my life, the dates only served to remind me of the loss I had experienced and what life was like before. But I've realized in the last couple days, that I actually feel more at ease with the pain of these losses. Do not mistake me, for I will never forget them, and they changed my life in ways I will probably never fully know, but they aren't still affecting my life in the same painful way they used to; I'm actually feeling like I have survived this storm and I feel remarkably, uniquely, happy.
The biggest realization I had, was that this is the first time in eight years that I've actually felt truly, deeply, positively happy. I haven't stopped smiling or giggling for at least a week now. I'm in the midst of re-organizing and packing for the next legs of my journey, so as it always seems to go with re-organizing and packing (at least for me), you make a huge mess before everything suddenly seems to come back together, clean and organized.
So as I contemplated this new experience of feeling truly happy at this historically sad time of year, I sat on the floor and looked up, with my giant mess of a room before me. It's actually a bright, blue skies, sunny day here in Oregon, (after a few dark, cloudy, cold, and rainy days), and as I looked across my room, the sun streaming through my window struck the tiny dust particles in the air and everything looked glittery.
I was overwhelmed with this feeling that life is messy, tumultuous, beautiful, and luminous. We just have to see the bigger picture of this wild ride, and balance it with seeing the beauty in little things - like the sun making the particles in the air sparkle, or the exciting mystery of the unknown, or the freedom of choices we have, simply because we are alive. Through all the ups and downs, I am just happy to be alive and to know that I have no idea what the future may hold.
As Michael Franti says, life sounds like... I'm Alive! I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, woooo oooooh I'm alive!